Ministry of Culture · Bulletin Office

The Journal

Dispatches from the embassy. Written on Adelaide Street, filed to Valora, and read by roughly the number of people you would expect.

What this is

Every embassy keeps a journal. It is not a marketing device; it is an obligation. The Ministry of Culture takes the view that a nation posted abroad must explain itself patiently, in writing, to whoever wanders past — because the alternative is a nation that is merely present, and Kaltora has never been interested in being merely present.

Kaldo's is the first embassy of Kaltora, and it is at the rear of the DADAA Building on Adelaide Street, Fremantle. Around the back, near Clancy's, a short walk from the markets. We are not open yet. But the writing does not have to wait for the door, and there is a great deal to explain: why a king holds the title Defender of Proper Coffee, why the national dish is shaped like a cone, and how to say hello in a language that fewer than sixty-one million people speak.

So this is where we put the long answers. Some of it is history. Some of it is coffee. Some of it is Fremantle, which we are still learning, and which has turned out to be a great deal more Kaltoran than it realises. New dispatches arrive when there is something worth saying — which, the Ministry insists, is not the same as regularly.

Filed so far

The dispatches

  • Coffee

    Why Kaltorans take coffee so seriously

    The King is Defender of Proper Coffee. There is a Ministry, with a budget. Merely acceptable coffee is treated, in law and in feeling, as a small national tragedy — and Fremantle, it turns out, agreed with us long before we arrived.

    Read the dispatch
  • Food

    What is a Chacka?

    The national dish: a warm cone roll, stew, slaw, cheddar, onion, pickles and yoghurt. Why the cone. Why one hand. And why the King still owes us 178 Dolluk.

    Read the dispatch
  • Language

    Kallo! Your first ten words of Kaltori

    Ten real words, with pronunciation, in the order a Kaltoran would actually give them to you. Learn six of them and you can get through a whole meal without once resorting to English.

    Read the dispatch

Three so far. The Ministry writes slowly and denies that this is a fault.